Guilty as charged! Oh boy... where has the time gone? Where DOES the time go? I had every intention to write a blog at the beginning of each month; I skipped February, and it’s mid-March!!
Why is it so challenging to follow through on our best of intentions and our plans? Even when we are a so-called specialist of human behaviour (read: a psychologist)? And what is it about that powerful, destructive resulting feeling when we fall short of those expectations? I know you know what I'm talking about. GUILT! I opened my practice in Ontario at the end of December 2023 (after almost 20 years practicing in Quebec). I have been excited about reaching out through this new website, connecting, offering services, and blogging (for the first time in my career) about various psychological realities and, well, life from a psychological perspective. And BOOM! Life got in the way of my best intentions and - yes - priorities. And I feel badly! And what a well-known feeling that is. It's true that we can fall short of our or others' expectations. That's part of life.
But it seems that us humans have some built-in tendencies, including beating ourselves up for real or perceived shortcomings. From a cognitive-behavioural and mindfulness/ACT (therapeutic approaches) perspective, these knee-jerk reactions merit some analysis. If the saying "to err is human" is true - (and how can it not be?) - what should we do with this reality? Punish ourselves? To what extent should the consequences that we self-impose be painful vs constructive? Usually, when we realize we have fallen short, there is already some degree of natural “punishment” – we feel bad!
But what if we realize that we have shortcomings, fall short of the mark, disappoint, and fail - including failing ourselves? How helpful is it to spin in an internal diatribe that berates incessantly and contributes to an anxious or depressed state where the self takes a beating? Not helpful at all! Trying to understand our shortcomings and their causes can be immensely beneficial, but it isn’t always an easy task. It is, of course, always a valuable undertaking. But the reality is, sometimes… We. Just. Fall. Short. And this, despite our best intentions and efforts to increase our self-awareness.
So…. What should we do? Obviously, we can try to learn from our errors. Why wouldn’t we? But through the process, we can do so with encouragement and kindness. We can try to lift ourselves to higher awareness and support our process. My clinical experience is that many of us have considerable challenges treating ourselves with the same level of caring and goodwill that we would a friend, a child, a partner, or even a stranger. I have often asked clients if, after analysing their internal discourse regarding their behaviours, they would speak to a friend the same way they talk to themselves. The vast majority of the time, I hear some variation on the theme, “Of course not!”.
And of course, this begs the question: Why do we tend to treat others better than ourselves? Why is it so difficult to accord ourselves the same patience, understanding, compassion, and support we so readily offer to others we care for? The response to the question is far too long for this blog. BUT…. If you feel like you would like to explore the possibility of being kind and supportive of yourself DESPITE your shortcomings (remember: “to err is human”), I strongly encourage you to do so. Imagine learning to treat yourself more as a friend than as an enemy…. What a concept?!
Many resources on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy are an excellent place to start. Meditations on self-compassion can also be heartwarming and offer an alternative, supportive approach to our typical self-deprecating reflexes. Regardless of the resources you choose, the journey begins with a commitment – to yourself! It begins with a commitment to be kind. It begins with a commitment to harness your inner cheerleader. It begins with (a) refusal to continue old patterns of self-loathing and (b) refusal to uphold old mental scripts of inadequacy and failure. Let’s all recognize and tap into our potential. Let’s all be our own best friend. Why not?! I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure I’ll continue to have challenges meeting my goals, deadlines, and obligations. Perhaps more importantly, I'll even have challengeds living in harmony with my values. I guess that’s called being human. Let’s each support OURSELVES in this exhilarating but very challenging journey of life!